I do laugh when I see that people are still reading this. Not that I'm laughing at you...it's just my ego swelling in an unnecesary way. I do think it's interesting that people seem to have such an idea about what I should be doing with my life, regardless of how much they know about it. I guess it's an american attitude...most of us judge celebrities based on what we know or speculate about them. Now I'm not saying that I 'm a celebrity, but I have volunteered a certain amount of infromation about my life that people have formed opinions about. And usually I'm not like that. Sure I have minor opinions when I really think someone is underachieving or going down the wrong path, but generally I am happy to let people live their lives without much advise from my part.

Maybe it's because some people looked at what I was doing and got to experience a little bit of freedom vicariously. Wow I sound like an asshole writing something like that. Maybe it's my problem...that I am somewhat suseptible to what people think about me. But I thought back on some of the opinions that people have expressed lately and just shook my head because there is a whole other story going on. I like what Ricky had to say "we'll support you no matter what you decide". I don't want to step on anybodies toes either. I am not reacting any one person or comment and most of the things I have in mind have been said away from this blog, so please I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

One thing that is really interesting to sit with right now is the possibility that I am wrong, and that I am going to fail. There is alot of doubt and trust in staying in the moment, even though there is a part of me who wants to bolt sometimes. And I'm trying to practice that wisdom of acceptance rather than my projections of what I would rather see happening. It's not easy. Maybe that's why I stopped playing baseball as a kid. When I was a kid I LOVED baseball. Ask my parents and relatives, I LIVED for the Dodgers. I loved going to Dodger stadium, I loved watching the games on TV and hearing Vin Scully, and I loved pretending that I was a Dodger. And then I got old enought to play little league and mot only was I not a good player, but I eneded up on a shitty team. And I gave up on it. I had one last place season and that was it. But life isn't that easy right? You've got to walk through the rough times the same as the good ones.

And maybe I am better off or I have learned something. Because even when I am having difficulties, I am still clean and sober and I don't see that changing. And being able to sit and experience the wide range of human emotions is certainly better than giving in to addiction.

It's funny, ever since I read Elizabeth's comment about my "dark" blog I have tried not to be so dark...but it is just what comes out. It makes me laugh because if you know me you know I like to laugh, but the blog is what it is. And I can't JUST complain or say the glass is half empty...I have to aknowledge that I know it's just my own opinion and that someone else might see it as half full.

An old saying of wisdom is only a fool thinks he knows everything, but the wise man knows he doesn't have a clue. And I'm not saying I am wise but I am certainly not a fool (at least not according to that definition)