The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (not in that order)

In the imaginary system I have set up for myself in my head, I am rounding third headed for home and 3 out of the 4 legs are done with. I have a feeling (and I can only hope and pray) that as I head that final 90 feet that the center fielder is still running to catch the ball that has sailed over his head and that I'm not about to get owned at the plate.

But that's the way it is right now. Sure I can try to stay optimistic but it seems as if Murphy's Law is following me around like te Grim Reaper and I won't quit looking over my shoulder until I am down on U.S. soil once again.

On the other hand I think the worst of it is over (famous last words right?) One of the things that I have realized is that China is a very large diverse country. And yes there are the areas that you see or read about that are westernized and modern and sparkeling new...well I don't live anywhere near there. If you saw and experienced where I live you would probably think you were in another country (think about that one for a minute...)

In order to get from the nearest city (Xining) out to the Monastery to collect my things I had to take a 24 hour sleeper bus ride. Now they call it a sleeper bus but I never do any sleeping on it. There are many possible reasons for this. It could be the unpaved and uneven terrain you are travelling over 90% of the time. It could be that 90% of the people on the bus are smoking throughout ost of the trip. But the obvious reaon would be that 90% of the people in China are smaller than I am and the seats on the bus are designed with them in mind. Imagine lying down with your knees bent unable to stretch for about 24 hours. Then also you have to hop out and go to the bathroom when the herd decides it's time and I am not quite inclined to that.

Basically you haven't lived until you have had the experience...and when you think about round or multiple trips ...look out! Now I know I'm kind of bitching again but it's not easy. And yeah whatever everyone has problems. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's my forum and I'll cry if I want to.

Now to flip the mirror around: I am really looking forward to coming home. The Last 9 months have been full of amazing experiences but I am ready for a break. Ready to see all of my loved ones and those who have given me support from the other side of the planet. A couple of people will be getting married, I get to visit a new state, and I get to repeat something I found quite enjoyable: driving across the country. And the best part of that is the end of the road the love of my life will be waiting for me.

Here's looking forward to double doubles and sushi that tastes the way it should. To being in a land where I am not luwai, tsijah, farong, or open to stares and discrimination. To sharing the things that slip my mind when I am writing this page (really how can you fit your whole life into a few words???) To seeing my Grandfather, my parents and friends.

This is an amazing time for me. It is a time that goes to show a universal truth: that no matter how strong your illusion...there is merely the illusion of control, and that you never know where life will take you if you are open and willing to accept that powerlessness and embrace it. Rather than coming back with a broken spirit I have high hopes and expectations for the next thing, and a certain relief that some very difficult circumstances have been put aside for the moment. It could be that I will be returning to a different set of difficulties but that's life right? At least I'll have a toilet and hot water.

Life just changes in the blink of an eye, and the pursuit of happiness...well isn't that a golden ring we are all reaching for? And as I look back in summary I think the mistake is looking for it in the destination rather than enjoying the ride for what it is. Sometimes it's a cruise aross your homeland, with your favorite cd playing; sometimes it's a bumpy ass bus ride through the uncharted regions of a foreign country. But ultimatly it's who you are inside and how willing you are to laugh in the face of adversity rather than giving in to it. The weather will always change.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time...

For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday." - Lester Burnam (American Beauty)

After I wrote the former post I went and watched American Beauty. I love how good films can make you think and either alter your mood or enhance a vibe you are already feeling. I left my home and went out to eat some noodles and still dwelling on the movie Iexperienced something that has been lacking in life for a while: I simply enjoyed China for what it is instead of wishing I was somewhere else or wishing it was different.

But the thoughts brought up by writing anf watching the film went very well together. There is an amazing beautiful quality in the world, but how often do we aknowledge it as we are caught up in the drama of life? What will matter at the time of death? What will flash before your eyes?