Things are tough all over...

For those who haven't noticed, I like to use the titles of songs as my post titles. So while the title did come to mind, I feel a bit better than it suggests.

Honestly this has been a rough week, but one of the awesome things is how I've chosen to deal with it and the words of those I love that have echoed in my mind giving me strength.

My plans took a major detour this week when I found out that I would need more study before getting accepted into the Translator's program that I have had my heart set on and been planning for since I left the States. It felt like a kick in the stomach, and part of the frustration was that I have done everything that I am supost to do. I came, I'm studying, I'm taking direction. How many people do you know that would fly halfway around the world on the advice of another?

So long story short I have decided to come back to America in the fall and regroup for another trip to Asia in 2007...but who can really plan this far ahead? It's what I want to do but there are so many variables that I will have to take it one day at a time. It's funny how those 2 things correlate isn't it? You are supost to stay in the moment, live one day at a time but we all make plans, have dreams, and cross bridges before we arrive at them.

I am grateful for those around me, giving me support...the ones I have reached out to as I stumbled and also the good advice that echoed in my head. Things like "Everyone goes through difficulties, but we are measured by how we deal with them." and "Difficulties are the ornaments of a practitioner." Hell my Mom reading Pema Chodron....the blessings and wisdom are right in front of my face even in a dark hour.

And everything changes so quickly...the frustration already fades into the distance. Acceptance of the situation takes over. Is this what they mean by taking it one day at a time? And you know what? There's a part of me that is overjoyed to come back to America, to see the people I love and not be some outcast, a perpetual stranger. I get to see my family and be with the woman I love. Could be a lot worse. But what I have to remind myself of is to not give up, I have a dream that will be realized...just because there is a detour on the road doesn't mean I can't reach the destination.

Speaking of one day at a time today is the 2 year anniversery of my sobriety, and this is one of those things that makes me look at what I am going through differently and not freak. I had a random memory flash across my mind earlier, of a time when I was using and living with a girl that I was too screwed up to let go of and suddenly I saw how far I have come and how much has changed. I remembered my own words that have faded into the challenges that I have faced in my sojourn: tall boasts of life being an adventure, the invincibility that you feel when everything is going your way. And it made me laugh because nothing has changed, but for a moment I forgot that life is an adventure, forgot my own philosophy that nothing worthwhile in life comes without hard work, difficulty, and sacrifice. I remembered that you need the sour to appreciate the sweet and that if I spouted off about doing well when everything was going swell and then turned tail when the clouds appeared that I am a hypocrite. And that's not what my life is about, it's more like fall down ten times get up eleven.

It all comes back around you know, all the things I'm learning. To remember your blessings instead of the bad day you're having, the gratitude of knowing that NONE of this would be possible without sobriety and my spiritual life. And my simple determination to accomplish what I have set my mind to. And then I visited a friend's web page where she had written about having difficulties with change and with life and I had to smile again. I like to say that knowing this simple fact can save you alot of money on shrinks..that we all feel this way and things are tough all over. And what more can I do but offer some kind words and support? They say you can boil all of Buddhism into two things: compassion and wisdom, but that without the love wisdom will never grow. So compassion for others, but also for myself. And I can only hope that as I get older, some wisdom is growing, slowly but surely.