Reinventing a dream
I was watching a movie the other night in which the main character said something like "there are 2 big tragedies in life...not getting what you want and getting it." At the time I didn't quite understand it, but as time goes on here in Xining perhaps I'm beginning to get an inkling of what he was talking about. In Buddhism they talk about the bummer of geting what you don't want...I think this is just a different way of saying the same thing.
How does this relate to me? Well for the last couple weeks I've been sitting up on a mountain making plans and dreaming about vacation. What I arrived to was frustration, headaches, and the same old stuff I left here for relative serenity.
As I write this I realize that I spent the first month or so on the mountain experiencing quite a few difficulties and problems adjusting. I guess I'm just the type that looks at the glass as half empty rather than appreciating what I have in front of me. It's just my personality type, it's how I'm wired. I'm sure if you asked someone smarter they would say something about samsara being unfufilling or that there are problems wherever you go.
Not that it's all been bad in either place, but I do find it ironic that I am now more comfortable living in a place that at a glance is much more primative if not worse. I miss the solitude, and the beauty, the general spiritual vibe of the place. Yet isn't it funny when I think of how much time I wasted thinking about how nice it would be to come back to the place I am in now?
I guess the point is that we see what we want to see. If you want something or someone bad enough, you look past the flaws and bad points...not to mention the things you really don't know yet.
It's my forum so I'll cry if I want to, but I know I'm not alone. Hell I'm probably better off than a lot of people. But I've found on this trip it's not the big problems that do you in, it's the small problems that build up until you snap; the straw that breaks your back. So choose your headache. Is it maintaining a fire, cold weather, dirt and squatting to use the bathroom? Or is it even colder weather, a phone that won't work and horrible customer service that won't fix it? Hell I could always come back to America and deal with a new set of problems.
How to stay serene in the face of all this? The whole situation, perhaps the human condition seems a bit absurd at certain times. I am happy to get a chance to talk to the people I love...but then it reminds me of how much I miss them. And the silliest thing is you know how to deal with it, but some times it's difficult.
Of course that's not the whole story, it's not all bad, and I have many more positive things to write and share. Being by myself most of the time, without communication I have turned to writing a lot. Now that I have this journal back I decided to use it. Someday perhaps I'll have a book...for now I have the random memories and thoughts that I commit to paper. Sometimes they turn out quite profound, sometimes it's a way to fill time.
Maybe its really amazing. In a month I'll have been clean and sober for 2 years. Is any of this possible without that? I seriously doubt it. Of course I don't think (for anyone) sobriety is enough...you have to dig that shit collected inside of you out, fill the hole inside of you with light and love. Maybe this isn't limited to alcoholics and addicts. Is this the promised land we all search for? The point is to do something to better yourself rather than stagnation or worse, regression. Life is a continual process of rejuvination and reinvention. Reinventing a dream in your own image, or enslaved by your own obscessions. The choice is up to us, and everything has a price.
Just my rambelings for today.
3 Comments:
Respec' Johno, thank you for sharing your vulnerability, pain and doubts half empty, half full, the glass is empty; like you say its what you make it. Before I burnt out I used to work with homeless people with issues around substances or alcohol and they used to talk about 'doing a geographical'; you fuck up somewhere so you move to a new place and begin anew, but you always take yourself with you, its the inner landscape we can't escape. You will confront this stuff head-on with less distractions, see it as a gift, an opportunity; but it will be tough at times. Its an amazing journey you are on, bon voyage. Hang in there. Warmly Konchok Norbu (jyoti)
'Difficulties are like the ornaments of a good practitioner.
Dharma is not practiced perfectly midst pleasant circumstances.'
Digo Khyntse Rinpoche
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I feel you man. Enough said. Peace, Love, Spirituality.
Stay in the moment and you will be fine.
We are so proud of all you have accomplished.
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