Been doing a lot of writing and thinking in the last few days; a recent conversation with someone reminded me of Vanilla Sky "every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around." How often do we forget this simple truth? How much of life is spent lost in memories and dreams, neglecting the wonder of the present moment?

How often do we cut ourselves from the love that flows through the world, if only we let it? Ok now I sound like a hippy, but it's true. My Lama Garchen Rinpoche talks about the frozen heart, and how we must melt this in order for the blessings to flow. It's so easy to get caught up in my own head, especially here where I am constantly an outsider, subject to ridicule, excessive staring and open mouthed shock just because I am a foreigner; a stranger in a strange land. In this environment it is so easy to feel alone, to feel seperate, like you just don't belong. And sometimes I do...sometimes I just think it's funny. It's funny because if a chinese or tibetan person went to most places in america, no one would give them a second look, it's nothing out of the ordinary to see someone who doesn't look like you where I come from.

If we are shaped by the past is it possible to completly let it go? I think the answer is yes, but the degree to which this is accomplished becomes increasingly difficult. And yet, look how far I have already come...I have already been in China for almost a 1/4 year, I have more than18 months clean and sober, and time marches on dragging me along with it.

One difficulty is leaving those I love behind. I love so many people, and to be far away from some, to know that some I will probably never see again is very hard for me. And yet this is just the way things are...no matter how much I care for anything at some point it will vanish like dust in the wind. Maybe today, maybe in 50 years. It seems every day is full of lessons.

I am happy to see those around me changing also. Friends from all walks of life. My siblings have scattered to diferent places, we are now all on different continents and my parents have California to themselves. My friends are doing well, my one wish for them is to quit smoking as they have shed the rest of their substance abuse but that's not my decision to make. Besides from that they continue to flourish.

One thing that is almost a neccesity here is music. Music is like a drug to me, before I got loaded in the traditional sense I got lost in music. I am all about the emotional reaction from art, especially in the musical sense. Some days I feel like my music has kept me sane, or smiling. It's a beautiful thing really and I wish I had more of it.

I'll close with a pic I took tonight. Peace and love