"Homesickness and this whole process of moving and growing is hard. Fun, and interesting, but hard. I imagine both my siblings are stuggling right now. We are all trying to find our place in this world. And we are all away from home and all the comforts we know. I am dying to sit on the couch and chill out with a coffee and my family. But, the grass is aways greener on the other side.

The other strange thoughts that cross my mind are how much our lives are changing and going to change without each other. In some ways we are no longer part of each others lives, except for letters, emails, and the rare phone call.Yet I feel this is a test of time and faith. If I don't hear from my brothers for 3 months or 8 years, does that mean that I don't love them? They don't love me? or God isn't watch over us? Faith takes a lot of faith." - Elizabeth Schecter

So I finally got to read my sister's blog...very impressed, you should check it out...I have a link for it on my sidebar. So I am reading it and I says to myself..."hmm you arn't the only one with some of these feelings." which by the way is something that will save you a lot of money on pyschotherapy...that's the gist of what they are going to tell you. That's my tip of the day, you don't have to pay me.

Well, although I do somewhat agree with elizabeth, I have my own comments based on my own beliefs and thoughts. First all these feelings are a fabrication, a pure fabrication based on this thing we create called the ego. Does this make it any easier?? Not really, but for me, if I remind myself of that fact it does, even if I don't understand it in the same way as someone with some real wisdom does. This is the real condition, that people meet and then part. To me a big part of my practice (and something that I am still really struggling with) is being able to say "yes, this is the way things are and I accept them without clinging." When I left I realized that there was a possibility that I might never see anyone ever again. Is this sad? Yes. Does it mean that I won't pursue these things that I want to do? NO.

As it says in the 37 Bodhisattva Practices:
"One day old and dear friends will separate, goods and riches obtained by great effort will be left behind. Consciousness, a guest of the body, this temporary dwelling, will depart. From this moment on, to renounce all attachment to this life is a practice of the bodhisattva."

Although I would not dare to pretend that I am even close to actually practicing this teaching, it is something I strive to live because it is simply the way things are.

Second, isn't it funny how when we were around these people that we now so desperetly miss that we probably neglected them, got moody and wanted to spend time with ourselves, watching television or in some other way that we wish that we hadn't done now? Absence makes the heart grow stronger as the saying goes and we never realize the simple things that we cherished until they are gone. To paraphrase Vanilla Sky... in the elevator scene "It's the small things that mean the most."

I was talking to a guy that recently arrived here from the US, and he was relating to me that there is some sort of curve, between being happy to be in a new place, then homesick, then frustrated, then ok again...this repeats for a while. While I would like to say that I am past the first circuit, there are new things which crop up and yet as Hugh said your loved ones shield you from bad times with the memories of the good.

My own difficulties lately have been with Diane leaving. This has been harder for us than I think we realized. It has made me very thoughtful, and I have to be strong in my goals and the reasons I have for coming here. It is very difficult to give up selfish indulgence for the greater benefit of others, not to mention that I am pitifully weak at my renunciation and not good at ignoring the feelings in my heart.

Yesterday I was fortunate to spend several hours talking to loved ones, and that made me feel really good. Today I will start teaching, and also I start my tibetan lessons today. As I walked to the gym this morning I reminded myself of my goals, and of my resolve to reach them despite the adversities I face. And the words of Ricky also rang in my ears "it's ok to take small steps forward."

Something that often helps me is to sit back and realize how far I have come, and how much has changed. I often ask myself "what was I doing one year ago? Two years?" when I put these things in perspective the road gets easier for me to tread. I also try to think of how long I have been wandering without liberation, as an animal, in hell, as a god with no difficulties, as a person with no interest in bettering myself...and I try to remember the precious opportunity that I now possess, that as long as I am breathing I have time on my side, and that I can benefit others as well as myself in immesurable ways.